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In This Article:

• Why some of your most vivid memories may be completely wrong
• How emotional pain and ego distort what we remember
• The power of reframing your past to unlock healing
• What neuroscience reveals about memory and survival
• How to stop living in the past and start writing your new story
  
  

Your Memories Are Lying to You

by Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com

We all have memories. Some are good, some neutral, and some… not so pleasant. Yet these memories often serve as the foundation for how we act and how we feel in the present. We remember that someone was mean or unkind to us, so we avoid them—or maybe we’re unkind in return. We remember a place or a person associated with love and happiness, and just thinking of it makes our heart feel lighter.

But what if some of those memories are wrong? What if they’re not accurate reflections of what really happened? What if they are, at least in part, creations of our imagination?

You’ve probably heard that when there are several witnesses to an accident, each person may give a slightly different version of what happened. Some recall only a snippet, while others share a more elaborate version—one that may be partially filled in by the imagination. This isn’t deceit; it’s how the brain works. It fills in gaps, makes assumptions, and interprets events through a personal lens. So two people can remember the same event very differently, and both sincerely believe their version is the truth.

A Personal Story That Surprised Me

Let me share something that truly blew my mind. A while back, I was speaking with my ex-husband, and he shared his version of why I had left our marriage. According to him, I had gone on a trip, met someone new, and came back to announce that I was leaving him because I had fallen in love with this other person.

Except… that never happened. Not even close. The reality is, I told him I was leaving, moved to another city, and about three months later met someone who, years later, became my husband.

So where did his “memory” come from? My guess is that the ego—especially when it’s hurt—creates a version of events that feels more bearable. Instead of facing the pain of rejection or a failed relationship, it’s easier to believe you were left for someone else. I don’t think he was trying to lie or be dramatic; he truly remembered it that way. And probably told others that same story for years.

When Memory Distorts Reality

I’ve come across several situations where two people remembered a shared event in completely different ways. Sometimes, someone will recall something that never even happened—at least not the way they think it did. And that realization can be unsettling. Because if some memories are that flexible, how many others might also be slightly (or totally) off?

It’s not that we’re all walking around fabricating lies—we’re remembering through a lens that distorts, edits, and sometimes even enhances. When emotions are involved, memory becomes less about what truly happened and more about what we believed, felt, or even need at this time.

Why We Tend to Focus on the Bad

Our minds often hold on tighter to the negative. It’s a survival mechanism—remembering pain helps us avoid repeating it. We catalog the bad moments so we can recognize danger signs and protect ourselves. But the downside is that we often end up coloring our entire past in gloomy shades, even when it wasn’t all darkness.

Take childhood, for example. Every childhood has its ups and downs. Yet when we focus only on the negative, or amplify the painful parts, we rob ourselves of the full picture. We might end up telling ourselves a story that strictly focuses on abandonment, sadness, or trauma—and forget the moments of love, laughter, or comfort that were also there.

Rethinking My Own Story

I used to believe I had a "bad" childhood. From infancy, I was cared for by others—sometimes an aunt or a neighbor., and then sent to boarding school just before I turned five. That felt like abandonment to me. For years, I saw my early years through that lens of being unwanted or pushed aside.

But then I started working in the personal growth field and met people whose childhoods were filled with abuse, neglect, and trauma far worse than anything I had experienced. I began to reconsider my own story—not to minimize my feelings, but to put them in perspective.

I hadn’t been discarded. I had been placed in the care of people who genuinely tried to support and nurture me. Same situation, different way of looking at it. That shift made a world of difference.

Rediscovering the Good Stuff

After that, I made a conscious effort to dig deeper and unearth happy memories. Surely there had been some. And yes, they were there. They had just been buried under the more dramatic or painful ones. My brain hadn’t deemed them “important” for survival, so they were filed away. But when I started dusting them off, a richer picture of my childhood emerged—one that included love, care, and joy.

I realized I wasn’t just the child who had been “abandoned.” I was also the child who had been cared for, encouraged, supported, and loved. That reframing allowed me to hold both truths, not just the painful one.

Why What We Remember Matters 

So not only can some memories be completely inaccurate, like the one my ex-husband had, but many are skewed by emotion, perspective, and our mind’s desire to protect us. And in trying to protect ourselves, we sometimes lock ourselves into a story that keeps us stuck in pain or fear.

But much like a heart that walls itself off to avoid getting hurt, we may end up blocking out joy, too. If we only keep our negative memories up front and center, we may be blind to the good moments we once had—and could have again.

It’s Never Too Late

There’s a popular saying that it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. And it’s true—because we can change how we remember it. We can go back into those mental archives, look at old memories with fresh eyes, and ask: is this really how it was? Or is this how I felt about it at the time?

Maybe the love you thought you didn’t have was there, just in a form you didn’t recognize. Maybe those moments of connection, or joy, or safety, are still sitting quietly in your memory, waiting to be brought back into the light.

Warning: Some Memories Are Saboteurs

Some of your most vivid memories might not be completely accurate. They might be dramatized, exaggerated, or bent to fit a particular emotional storyline. Your mind might be trying to help—trying to shield you from future hurt—but in doing so, it may be keeping you from moving forward.

The truth is, even if everything you remember was true… so what? It’s done. It’s over. And it helped shape the strong, wise, resilient person you are today. My early separation from my parents and my time in boarding school helped me become independent, adventurous, and resourceful. Those traits have served me well in life.

Let Go of the Old Script

So maybe it’s time to stop replaying the old movie of your past. You know the one—the tearjerker with the recurring theme of “poor me.” You’ve seen it enough times. It’s time for a new script. A new story. One where you’re not the victim, but the survivor. The seeker. The creator of what comes next.

It's time to stop bringing up those old stories every time someone asks about your past. Yes, they mattered. But do they still need to define you? Do they still reflect who you are now? Do you want them to?

Create from the Now

To create a better future, we must let go of the worn-out narratives that no longer serve us. The stories we tell ourselves shape the life we live. And if those stories are half-true, skewed, or stuck in pain, they become a prison.

So instead of living in the past, shift your focus to the present. To the people who love you now. To the life you’re building. To the joy you still have access to.

Your memories might be lying to you. But your heart knows the truth. And it’s waiting for you to listen.

Write the Next Chapter

You can’t change what happened, but you can change what you do with it. Choose the memories that lift you. Let go of the ones that weigh you down. Your mind may have tried to protect you with stories of pain and warning — but your heart knows a better way.

The best protection isn’t building walls around your past. It’s living from love. Living now. Being present with the life you are creating — not the one you’ve already survived.

Remember this: it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Especially if that childhood lives in your mind — you get to decide which memories to carry forward. What would you like that to be?

About The Author

Marie T. Russell is the founder of InnerSelf Magazine (founded 1985). She also produced and hosted a weekly South Florida radio broadcast, Inner Power, from 1992-1995 which focused on themes such as self-esteem, personal growth, and well-being. Her articles focus on transformation and reconnecting with our own inner source of joy and creativity.

Creative Commons 3.0: This article is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 License. Attribute the author: Marie T. Russell, InnerSelf.com. Link back to the article: This article originally appeared on InnerSelf.com

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Article Recap:

Our memories are not flawless recordings of the past—they're emotional reconstructions shaped by pain, protection, and perception. This article uncovers why many of our most vivid memories may be inaccurate and shows how reframing them can lead to healing and freedom. It's not about denial—it's about choosing which story shapes your life.

#memoryhealing #innerchild #emotionalgrowth #rewritethepast #falsememories #innerpower #healingjourney #innerselfcom